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I write this with the hope that you will take time to read this and take it all in. I write this because I wish I read a piece like this before I took the marriage plunge. I write this because I want you to know what it is like, to walk in my shoes.
My story won’t resonate with everyone, but I have to tell it. It is MY story and I have been wondering if I really want to share. However, I met a single lady about to get married soon. As I heard her talk, I knew...I just had to write this!
I was 31 and not in a rush. I had just gotten out of a 7-year relationship and I was not in the mood. I met this "big boy" who had everything going for him...His own flourishing business, a brand new SUV, super-intelligent, and spoke very good English. But what really got me was how he wanted to be with me most of the time, and how he tried so hard to accommodate my party ways. He normally wouldn’t go to a club, but one day I was going with my friends like I usually do and he asked if he could come. I was shocked. Oh! The butterflies. I had finally found someone who loved me so much he was changing for me. And he had money! Wow!
Isn’t this what relationship experts tell us? When they want to spend time with us and begin to meet us halfway, it’s a goal?! I was on cloud 9 at the time, but I can’t honestly say I was totally happy. Something was not really adding up. You see, we never really agreed to be exclusive. We did everything couples do, but there was never an ‘agreement’. This right here was red flag number one. Now I know that I shouldn’t have assumed that he was falling in love with me, just because. He would tell me about a few girls here and there, and even tell me when one visits, and I did not complain (well, not to him. I would be boiling inside with a smile on my face), because even though he was ‘the one’ for me, he never said I was the one for him. I thought I was ‘woke’ and he would see that he could gist about other girls with me and also not have to affirm what I was to him. I found myself in a situation where he could tell me he was going to Abuja to meet up with a girl and I would "hold the fort" in Kaduna with tears in my heart.
He would come back, gist me how things didn’t really go smoothly, how she ended up being pissed at something he did, and my heart would leap with joy. Now I know I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be in that situation.
Love does not keep you in suspense. Love does not make you go to bed wondering if you’re ‘the one’ or not. I shouldn’t have waited months before being open to date other guys again. It’s not like I dumped my ‘toasters’. No! They were there for the occasional ‘you, you shared me abi?!’ But my heart was with Mr. Sophisticated. I was in awe of him. I had never dated a "big boy" before, and with so much ‘connect’.
Notice how most of the things I liked about him were stuff that had nothing to do with his making me feel safe, or loved? Now I know I liked him because he was my idea of what the man on my arm should be. I got caught up in the excitement of him that I didn’t even realize that it looked like he had money, but there was really no money. The good English was picked up during a long stay abroad and he never even finished school. The car wasn’t bought from proceeds of the business, it was from property sold just before we met.Gradually I realized I was always the one paying for stuff while ‘we waited’ for the next big break.
Whossai! I had a brain re-set and removed my heart from that place. I started seriously dating again and eventually got introduced to another guy whom my friend at the time felt could curb my ‘stubborn ways’. The day we met for the first time, I didn’t have his time, because there was this guy I had been eyeing and by some stroke of luck, he asked if we could go outside to talk, away from people. So, I even got offended when he told me not to bother going out to talk with the person I was with as he was going to marry me. Romantic me would have melted o, but see this guy that wanted to talk outside? I had been wishing I had the courage to talk to him for over a year. Nothing was going to stop me from going outside that day. Well, crush was getting married in a month from that time, so na so matter die.
I was on cloud 9 at the time, but I can’t honestly say I was totally happy. Something was not really adding up. You see, we never really agreed to be exclusive. We did everything couples do, but there was never an ‘agreement’. This right here was red flag number one.Fast forward to about a week, my friend came to my house to say his friend from the other day was asking about me and wanted my number. He got my number and began calling ALL the time. Maybe because he said the ‘M’ word, I don’t know, but I wanted to just play around the dating field and have fun. One day he called and said I could run to the ends of the earth but he had to see me that day. I kept giving him the runaround and didn’t see him. Dropped my phone for a while and picked it up to see about 30 missed calls. This was around 12 midnight. I picked and he asked where I was. Told him, because I was so sure it was too late for him to show up. Got a call 30mins later to meet him outside. That was the end. I fell like a pack of cards and a year and 3 months later I walked down the aisle with him.
Out of respect for him, I will not go into intricate details that led to our break up, but I will try to give an idea. It’s my story but he has a right to his privacy. He’s not a bad guy. Neither am I a bad person ☺️. We were just never supposed to get married. We were very close friends and also did everything together, but we were not made for each other.
Why I decided to marry him then? I will tell you why.
He was a good guy, and he was comfortable with my piercings and haircut. He allowed me to be me and defended me against ‘society’. He would tell his friends how he didn’t think his wife should cook all the time, but should be pampered as often as possible. Of all the Ankara and laces in my ‘akwatin aure’ I sewed only 2 wrappers. I sewed skirts, gowns, Ankara pants...and matan zumunta would not let me rest.
One day one of them ‘blocked’ him after Church and asked why he allowed me to still dress like a single girl and he told her because that is how he met me. I’m not sure now, but I think that was the day I pounded yam for the first time in my entire life. For him. And I was 2 months pregnant at the time. I was comfortable with him, and after the ‘big boy’ saga, I was also very comfortable with us building our lives together from scratch. Anyone who has known me my whole life will tell you I changed during that period. I became all sweet and sugar (argue with your keypad) and because I felt I had a good man, I made an effort to calm down my hot temper.
My family will tell you that while I was packing up to leave for ‘gidan aure’ I asked Muazu, who has worked with my family for almost 15 years, to go put batteries in all my wristwatches at Barnawa market. On my way home that day my mom kept calling to ask if the money I had gone shopping with was enough and what I wanted to eat and I was like...’ am I dying today’?
I got home and they were all acting funny, called me to the room and asked me to sit. In my mind, I kept thinking which family member was not at home because someone had definitely died. And then they went on to say I shouldn’t be angry it wasn’t intentional bla bla bla. WHAT?! I screamed. Before I was told Muazu misplaced 3 wristwatches on his way from the market. I bursted out laughing and the look on their faces made me ask if I was really that bad? Haba! They won’t agree, but I think they just had wedding jitters.
Anyway after wedding, reality set in...for both of us. This wasn’t come on Friday and leave on Sunday. Shit was real! All those cute things we used to awww about became annoying. I never imagined it would end in a break up.
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| In My Days Of Innocence |
Now this is where I want singles to pay attention. Story time is over. I am hammering on singles because you all still have a chance to not make the mistakes I made. And I believe if you know what to expect, then you will be ready for anything.
‘Society’ is not random strangers on social media or in the bus, or at the bank. ‘Society’ is your Church, elders, family members and close friends. Those people you expect to stand with you so you can fight ‘society’ are the same people you will run to ‘society’ to get cover from. Fam! My wake up call was real yo! EVERYONE could not understand why I was complaining about my marriage.
First question was always if he beat me, No. It was always followed with asking if I caught him red-handed with a girl, No. And then most people will laugh. I would then spend hours explaining what was wrong. And then the laugh will come up again. The second laugh was even more painful because I had explained and expected some sympathy, or at the very least understanding. Nope! It is at this point all those family secrets you were always curious about are exposed. You will hear how that time your parents were carrying Bible every evening to go to Uncle A’s house was because he got his secretary pregnant and they were praying with Aunty B to accept that everyone makes mistakes and allow the baby to come live with them when born. And how Uncle C would bring his girlfriends to the house and Aunty D would cook for them after they had had sex on her matrimonial bed. If Aunty D didn’t leave, where then did I get the audacity.
After every meeting with various elders I would lay on my bed and cry. The crux of the matter was that I could not leave because divorce is a sin and I would go to hell. More so that he did not beat me or bring a girl home. I said to myself that no one is understanding me because they are elders and their orientation is different. Hian! Stories from my peers were even worse. A lot of them meant well and looked for me to tell me their stories, hoping it would make me realize I had it good and just stay. The worse for me was the young lady who’s husband was caught in the act of raping a girl that lived with them. The wife was told to not let people know as her mother-in-law was a zumuntan mata leader in Church and the incident happened probably because she wasn’t giving her husband enough sex. The next time I saw her she was pregnant with their third child.
All the stories further scared me. No way was I going to be in a marriage just so I look good to everyone. ‘Society’ wasn’t so scary anymore. It was on social media I read stories that would even encourage me at the time. When I read stories of women who had the courage to leave or found love a second time, it gave me hope.
Dear single lady, I thought once I made up my mind to leave, I would have people rally around me and help pick up my grater and plates to the car. No! Please don’t assume this. Even the plain-clothed policemen that went with me to pack my stuff, just in case of anything, were begging me to sort things out and stay. All I heard was ‘that is how men are’ and unfortunately I just have to deal with it as everyone else was. I am saying this so you know that if you ever make such a decision, make it by and for yourself. If you allow anyone to talk you into leaving when you are not ready, you will not survive it. Even if you are being beaten daily, you will find it easier to stay than to leave. Don’t ever think all your problems disappear when you’re out of the house. You only move to a ‘higher level of grace’. Lol!
People are different and handle things differently, but for me, the more I realized what most people thought of marriage the more I wanted to move far away from it. I can tell you for a fact that the only marriage I envy now are those I am not close to. I speak for myself. I know there are great marriages out there, and I know there are A LOT of people that married their soul mates. I just don’t know any that are close to me and I know their stories. Let me state here that people have different thresholds for pain (I’m not sure now if this word is appropriate for this sentence, but oh well!) and tolerance. What I tolerate in my relationship is what you might ‘god forbid’ to. So just because I don’t envy them doesn’t mean they are not happy marriages to the people involved. Don’t let people’s idea of what is good and/or bad make you lose yourself. Do what works for you. Heck! Some women really do believe a beating husband is only showing that he loves them.
I have learnt that I can’t ‘god-forbid’ to that. If that’s what makes them happy, so be it. The trick is in finding the partner who complements you and who ‘you are’.
The most important thing for me was and still is, my relationship with God. I am told I will go to hell, but the God I know is a forgiving God. The God I know would not want me to live a frustrated, unhappy life because I made a mistake and I ‘must live with it’. I am told that I will never make it far in advocacy because I don’t have a husband. I am also told society will never accept me as a single mother. Might be true. But until the day I go to see my IDPs and they ask me to leave because I am a single mother, I’m good. I am told my daughter will grow up messed up. This is not the plan I had for her. For me. But I will never forget when she was much younger and told me that instead of both of us going to visit her father in Jos, she’d rather go alone because I was happy then and she didn’t want me to start crying again when I see him. I knew at that moment I didn’t want my daughter growing up to think it’s ok for her mummy to cry all the time when she’s with daddy. Most importantly, her father deserved to be happy too.
Things are better now. I’m settling in slowly but nicely. The toughest times for me are those cold rainy nights when I want to cuddle and hear the light snore of a sleeping man beside me. Or when I get home and there’s no one to talk about my day with. It’s harder I think, because I had it in the early stage of my relationship, and when I got married I had conditioned my mind to have this for life. And then I blinked and here I am, having to start all over again. It takes a while to accept the failure, the shame, the embarrassment. I had to forgive myself and I am not done healing. Every day is a learning process but the road looks clearer now. People ask me if I will ever consider going back. I always say I will never, but here’s my answer: I don’t know. What I know is I’m happier now. This process has opened my eyes to the fact that I settled. Not for him as a human being, but what I thought I needed out of a companionship. I have discovered my worth and it will take a lot of work to get me now. Ehen! Since we are on this, don’t let anyone tell you no one will look at you because you were once married and have a child or children. Lies. (You can take what I just wrote to the bank 😉)
I’m excited to see what life has in store for me. I believe more in love now than I ever have. It’s safe, it’s reassuring, it apologizes, it adds a spring to your step...it’s beautiful.
I want a man who will be scared to lose me, who loves me so much he’ll put on the lights when we are kissing just so he can look at my beautiful face, who wants me so bad he’ll squeeze my butt in Church, who will break down and cry in my arms because he knows I can make him whole again. I want a man who can make me willingly leave every other man just to be with him, I want to watch him pass by in his grey sweat pants and feel my heart lurch...because he’s mine.
I believe in love so much that if I make a mistake again, I will leave, again...and keep loving till I find that man who will make sure I never leave... because I am home. His home. ❤️
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| Alheri Magaji- That Adara Girl |
Thank you to everyone. Been wanting to give an update to this post, but I have been overwhelmed. I definitely did not expect the reactions and feedback I got. I have learned a lot since I made the post. I got so many calls, text messages and people who reached out to pray with me. I’m truly overwhelmed. I just wrote out what was in my heart, I didn’t expect anything, and I just wanted to tell my story. Thank you! To everyone that reached out. God bless us all! ❤️
Some people say they don’t understand why I left as it’s not clear in the post. Like I mentioned, going into details will not be fair to those involved. Emotional and psychological abuse is not as easy to explain as physical abuse. Most importantly, those who this epistle was made for, thankfully get it. I am grateful that my story has made a difference to some, and I have realized that something drastically needs to be done to reduce the rate of divorce and unhappy marriages. ‘Hakuri’ is not enough.
Some people say they don’t understand why I left as it’s not clear in the post. Like I mentioned, going into details will not be fair to those involved. Emotional and psychological abuse is not as easy to explain as physical abuse. Most importantly, those who this epistle was made for, thankfully get it. I am grateful that my story has made a difference to some, and I have realized that something drastically needs to be done to reduce the rate of divorce and unhappy marriages. ‘Hakuri’ is not enough.
The stories I have heard in the past few days have been shocking and disturbing. Someone read my post and told me her story this morning... and I have been wondering how on earth I am perceived as a strong woman when the real women are out there... silently going through hell.
Dear Single girl (part 2)
As much as I got lots of messages from people who understood my previous letter, I have received quite a few that say they don’t even know why I wrote it as I didn’t spell out why exactly I left my ex. That right there is one of the reasons I wrote it that way. Sometimes you can’t explain why you are not happy. You try everything, your partner tries everything... but you are still not happy. Some will get what I’m trying to say, some wouldn’t, but if you’re one of those that don’t get it, then don’t bother about it. It’s a blessing.
I felt my ex did not treat me right. I felt he had no respect for me or the love I had for him. I again will write here that I will not spell out the things he did to me as it’s not right, I think, to say things when he is not here to defend himself and tell you why he did the things he did to me. I gave everything in me to that relationship. One time I hired an Ibo teacher and paid him monthly to teach me as I wanted my kids to grow up speaking Ibo. I was willing to learn how to cook his native soups, just so he won’t feel too weird marrying a Kaduna girl. I put him in the center of my world and everything I did or didn’t do revolved around him. I didn’t feel he gave the same type of dedication and passion to the relationship. He will always tell me and whoever he talks to that he gave me his all and he loves me and still loves me.
But, it doesn’t matter to me what he said or doesn’t say. I didn’t feel it.
So, what my long epistles are trying to say to singles is this: Know yourself first. What makes you happy? what’s your deal-breaker? When you get angry how do you communicate? What is that thing you can’t tolerate? What does love mean to you? Do you like to spend your Sunday afternoons making love or visiting family?
I left because we didn’t value the same things. I did everything I could so both of us could be happy. I compromised and did things I normally would never do, but it still wasn’t enough. He says I didn’t love him enough. He also says he did everything to make me happy. I wasn’t. I was ok, and could pass for being happy, but that’s not what I want. I don’t want to be barely happy. I want to be in the middle of a 3 day vacation with my friends and on the second day pack my things and go back home...because I miss my husband and I want to be home.
This is a fairly tale to most people. Society had told me that what I want exists only in novels and movies. I believed. And I settled. Now I know there’s someone out there that wants the same things I do. I will definitely have conflict with whomever I find love with, but this time around I don’t want to have to be the person who always says sorry. I want someone who hurts too when we aren’t talking.
Most marriages are crashing these days because people are marrying the wrong partners. Some have created a comfortable space they operate in and it’s working for them. Some are truly in love and truly happy. I am saying, know what works for you and be honest with your partner about it. You can’t give what you don’t have. Your partner can’t give you what they don’t have. I definitely don’t have all the answers, and I am still learning, but I KNOW, that marriage is a beautiful thing... and it’s not supposed to make you dread going home.
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