After the Wedding Funfare...

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Marriage has been variously said to start after the wedding ceremony. However, many spend more time preparing for the ceremony than for the union. This is a human frailty seeking to plan but unwittingly planning to fail. Man is optimistic and trusting while at the same the sowing seed of distrust. We learn from other people’s mistakes by making our own. We substitute. Form for structure; facts for truth; hope for plans. When we perceive a problem we devise learn, when we are confronted with flans in the system we devise even more laws. We even expect the law to police us and implement itself.

In the marriage contract, convention has been paramount even more so than vows. Vows were brought into promote religious cultural ethics and values in a bid to force conformity to accepted religious/cultural values and principles. This has necessitated the wedding ceremony.

I remember the first time a friend told me that the wedding ceremony was unimportant and that the pledges or vows could be taken before any witness without the need for conventional standards. I remember being vehemently opposed to this idea then and still am though not so vehemently now.

The marriage vows themselves mean nothing without the persons taking them. They are not important, as they are perceived. If they are not based on principles and values deeply rooted in our psyche and disposition, they are as useless as quoting “Twinkle, twinkle little star” on that day! How many really understand the pledges they attest to on their wedding day. Among those who even have an insight into the oath, many make it knowing fully well they plan to break it even from the wedding day.

After the fanfare then comes the tedious daily routine of living together. In this circumstance feedings are not as important as hard facts and realities. To Love and to cherish from this day forth! 
Love transforms from a flustering of the heart to a daily decision we make. It’s basis removes’ from the skin beauty to the inner worth of the spouse. Love transforms from a response to a cause a spontaneous deliberate exercise pursued with vigor irrespective of the nuances of the spouse. To say I LOVE YOU” is not to declare a feeling but a decision. However many prefer the flimsy fleeting whimsical prodding’s of an emotion that is both unreliable as “Chemistry” and so fail to find love, for feeling are only the effect of a decision! 

Photo by Arthur Ogleznev from Pexels

'I take Thee'

I take thee “it is a union of personalities if you do not know your own self you cannot expect to know your spouse. Who are you? You understand yourself by locating yourself in the purpose of God and finding your course in lift and fulfilling it. No two people who are purposeless, painless or jobless should ever get married. That is the recipe for failure.

After the fanfare then comes the tedious daily routine of living together. In this circumstance feedings are not as important as hard facts and realities.

You must know yourself enough to know what you want from life. What you want to become place in God’s plan and purpose for man. This need not be very specific as it is not an academic idea but generally you should understand what you are about and where you are going in life. This will help you to find a companion, a fellow pilgrim to walk that ‘path’ with you. Marriage will not help you to know yourself. It well only reflect on the fragilities and failures and confusion when you do not know yourself.

Conversely you should understand and know your spouse at least enough to know the principles that govern his/her life. If he/she has no scrapples, no conscience you should be well aware before marriage. If he/she is purposeless confused, jobless you should help discover their purpose long before marriage, as rushing into marriage will only into marriage will only lead to disillusionment. Love is not blind, it suit but covers. It knows but understands and seeks the good for its spouse.

‘ To be my lawful Wedded’

This is the essence of the ceremony to legalize and add bite to a decision by the couple who submit themselves to the marital law. By submittal themselves to an unemotional blind empire as the law the couple transforms the marriage intent into a contact with its binding laws, responsibilities and duties.

‘Forsaking all others’

This is true companionship when to kindred souls meets and find so lave in one another. The unregenerate man is inherently not trust worthy, however the new man has the spirit of love; power and self-discipline. II Tim.1: 7 (NLT) He can be trusted. This point has broken many marriages. Nothing impugns on the marriages contract as infidelity. It destroys the framework of marriage and makes houses of the pact. Infact if is the only ground for covered in the scriptures. However its seeds are sown when the couple cannot find solace in one another.

Here again abuse may have its beginning in ignorance on how to satisfy the spouse, sexually emotional or otherwise. If the spouse does not receive sexual fulfillment he/she might seek it elsewhere. Sex is good when the partner is satisfied else in becomes a boring even among there. Yet there are people who are chorine philanderer.

Who will always seek sexual and emotional fulfillment outside the matrimoval have. These are advertisers with a taste and desire for the illicit. They are not Christian but people with ripe minds supposing gain for goodliness. There are first fornicators then they transform to adulterers. Nothing is sacred to them but their lusts. They cannot be reasoned with, they can only be reformed and that by God not their spouse. This is not just a pledge but also a decision to the spouse. Is this too difficult? They are only difficult for self-serving people but marriage is not for people who cannot understand any other than their own selves. In marriage; our primary desire is to please the spouse, this is even clearly understood by God. I Cor. 7. Thus we try to please our spouse with any idea we bring up, any action we contemplate and plans we make. This is the only way that two can become one.

"In sickness and in health"

This part of the vows has been criticized, revived and modified but still many have came back to it. Which is the best pledge to say “for better for best” or “for better for norse”. First remember this is a vow an oath thus to pledge only to stay when they are good only is a pledge not based on love but on self-human values. However there is another twist to this part of the pledge to stay in the spouse in bad and increasingly worsening conditions of life is useless if you don’t join in fighting with your spouse in ill health. To comfort is only useful if there is no means for cure. Else why stay with the spouse if you cannot sponsor his treatment. This somebody may argue is implied in the vows but that is subject to conjecture. I think that the best form of vows should be ‘against sickness, against poverty etc.’

One of the most common cause of divorce and wife beating is money issues. How many consent to and actually implement joint accounts? The basis of distrust rest on selfishness. 

“With This Ring”

This is the symbol of an undying love, a complete circle reflecting an unending love, based upon an appreciation of the spouse. This is a pledge to love with everything including your worldly goods. This is a sour point in many marriages today. Many hide their income from their spouse and would even deprive them of funds for house keeping. However before marriage they would be willing to spend and be spent for the spouse.

One of the most common cause of divorce and wife beating is money issues. How many consent to and actually implement joint accounts? The basis of distrust rest on selfishness. We feel inundated by the demands of the spouse; our own expenses notwithstanding. Inflation is a resuming decimal in our entire yearly budget but in when it affects household budgets. Instead most question the rationale for another towel, another pot or even some food stuffs which at first considered a necessity.

Who owns the car? Is it yours or ours. Can the wife claim ownership of the house or even fortune in the house? In many cultures where she is herself considered a property of the husband, this is unthinkable. Yet this is the vow we attested to at marriage. Of course there has been abused on both sides but is that sufficient grounds for people to sign pre-marital agreements; about property and monetary right? To these people love is not just enough for marriage, infact it is a distraction. Marriage to them is a contract between two consenting adults based on a business agreement. However there is no better union than that based on love. Love is a ceremony; it is a defense, a protective cover for all under its influence. It is the best assurance of lasting joy and peace in marriage. Business ideals would not keep a marriage when poverty, disease or other problems strike. The contract would break leaving two bruised people and that’s if no children or wards are involved in which case the effect may be multiplied into the next generation.


Love is the only true basis for marriage: companionship, friendship are only offshoots from it.

“And so help me God”

Vows will not implement themselves. They are only guides to keep us on the right track. They are only supposed to strengthen our resolve to do the correct thing. The final decision to keep then ultimately depends on us. To forget them or disclaim them is to court failure in marriage. They can be summarized briefly as:


(i) The man is to love the wife as Christ did the church.


(ii) The woman is to submit to the husband as the church to Christ.

Written by Dr Stanley Okugbo