She told me she had a compelling urge to take her life earlier in the day but she just couldn’t bring herself round to doing it. I listened intently as she narrated the gist of her unfaithfulness to God which gave birth to the need for taking her life. Wanting, in concern, to know the details of the matter, I pried further and amidst sobs, she painfully related the story. She had been on a roller coaster ride dating unbelievers and had even gotten into a physical relationship with them all and each of them had ended up dumping her. She now hated herself for getting that low.
“I know what I am doing is wrong but I just don’t seem to be able to stop it. I always vow that it will never happen again. But I can’t help myself”, she lamented. She complained that she had unexplained episodes of low times when she left so alone. This made her pine for affection and reassurance. She always wanted someone to hold and love her. As she spoke, I prayed the Holy Spirit for inspiration. This was my first counseling session since bible school.
I began by letting her know that sexual problems could be traced back as far as Sodom and Gomorrah and that the problem was common to man and that the though it seemed to her that she was the only one going through such a test. I assured her that there was a way of escape from every temptation. Made her know that the real problem fueling sexual obsession was not physical but spiritual. At the root of the problem was a belief that we could satisfy our hearts by taking matters into our own hands and by treating our desires as mere physical appetites. I also added that addiction of whatever sort occurs when we lose a real, longing for God and when we no longer hunger and thirst for what God alone can do in our hearts. I made it clear that sexual enslavement tightens its grip on us when we use the momentary intoxication of sexual pleasure to numb the restless cravings that can only be satisfied by a passion and love that God shares with those who trust Him. I provoked her to seek God for He alone indeed could satisfy the longings of her heart. I prayed with her at the end of our chat. Did she feel better? You can ask that again.
Faintly, I could hear the Spirit say "make no provision for the flesh to fulfill its lust", but like the hen that flirted with the hyena I no longer could endure sound advice.
Subsequent to this meeting we had another and soon were meeting quite often; sharing and expressing concern for each other. At the twinkle of an eye we had become quick friends. Relating with her made me realize who I really was. I discovered that I too had an enormous need to be loved and approved and that my seeming dynamic personality was a façade for a weak character. I was too shocked to find out that I did not have the strength or will to decline sexual temptation! This prompted me to cry to God for a change of heart; to become more like Him. I prayed sincerely for the strength that would keep me from following the path of least resistance.
As each day dawned, I awakened to the fact that I had fallen in love. This was the first time this was happening to me since I became born again and I wanted it to go on forever. It did a strange thing to me though it made me feel good because I felt I was finally wanted and accepted. I became blind to many things. I needed to confess of my co-pastors but every one was busy "speaking in tongues".
We had the desire for privacy and naturally we wanted the world to go away and leave us undisturbed. We were alone at odd hours and it really didn’t bother us. For the sake of love, I was blind to many truths. Faintly, I could hear the Spirit say “make no provision for the flesh to fulfill its lust, but like the hen that flirted with the hyena I no longer could endure sound advice. Desire had been activated. I also forgot I was supposed to be her Pastor. It seemed my eyes opened to see loads of godly qualities in her. In all, her generosity was the most intriguing. I really could not honestly say that the Lord was leading me here. All I could vouch was my care for her.
Despite the euphoria of this newly found love, I could still perceive that we weren’t really communicating. We always substituted these times for talk with great feeling’s and comfortable silences. When the silence became really cold we always consented to filling it with physical acts. It always ended in frustration as the road we treaded on was designed by God to lead to intercourse which we were forbidden to indulge in. I realized soon enough that our bodies were not designed to stop halfway. It is hard to get all steamed up and then quit. The further along the track we went, the more frustrating it was to stop. This however had a negative feedback- we were not getting closer no matter how it made us feel. The feeling of love we shared had grown faster than the commitment need to make the relationship last. Our love in a short definition was baseless (no commitment). This opened the door to the fear of deceit, manipulation and exploitation. Resentment and suspicion also gained entry. Sin had crept in unnoticed and quite naturally anything it touches dies.
I hastily called myself to order and stopped seeing her. We needed to set things straight. She saw my action as rejection and a sign of being used and now it was time to dump her. This really saddened me because I felt whatever my intentions were, it was for the good of the relationship and more importantly for our walk with God. We really could not talk about the fact that there was no commitment but resorted to our usual method of problem solving. Finally we came to the crossroads. We either had to break off entirely or start as though we had just met. She chose the first saying she loved someone else. I was embarrassed that I found it difficult to let go even though God had warned me to do so earlier. The pain of breaking up was too severe to take. Those physically inappropriate gestures made it harder on me. It was like trying to separate two pieces of already glued paper. One could not do it without tearing either of the two. As someone rightly said “people in love were not made to be torn apart”. If we had allowed ourselves the frustration of not fulfilling our desires, our feelings, may be the story would have been different today. But helplessly I called it love.
As I look back, I realize I had learnt a great deal. I am humbled that God would still desire to use me inspite of my struggles, deficiencies and dysfunctional state. I am tripped that God loves man, who is weak and vulnerable. I am overwhelmed that before I got in to that sinful secret, He chose me.
I found out that one’s gift wouldn’t be of much benefit if one failed to deal with one’s weaknesses and that refusal to learn from experiences and a continuance in the same mistakes over and over again was an invitation to disaster. There are many who today are bleeding as a result of problems they can’t tell anybody about with the notion that they a predicament. This is because everybody else is to secretive about their struggles and weaknesses.
Like Bishop T D Jakes said “Wrapped in the sanctity of what we profess we often hide the nudity of what we possess”. We blast our successes and whisper our failures through parched lips. We must uncover ourselves, by stripping off the fig leaves of human expectation and show our nakedness and allow Him apply the oil and the wine to those hurting place in our lives. Be not mocked unconfessed sin is unforgiven sin!
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