Allison’s heart was pounding like thunder in her chest. Waves of depression washed over her. Thoughts of fear and unworthiness flooded her mind and threatened to overtake her. Though the night hours were quiet, a storm raged in her soul. So many fears washed over her the worst one being that she wasn’t a good mother.
Of course, Allison didn't have much of an example in the mothering department. Her own mother had basically shut down after Allison’s father died. She was in fifth grade when the principal came to her classroom. He was a kind man and broke the news as gently as possible, but Allison’s eyes were fixed on her mother who sat across from her… emotionless. Looking back Allison knew at that moment she had lost her mother. Veronica never recovered from the loss of her husband instead she turned to the comfort of a medicated numbness; the kind that you are able to maintain only by increasing the amount of pills and alcohol that you consume. Allison started learning the code words for her mother’s prescription drug use. The complaints of a ‘headache’ or ‘stress’ would lead her mother to take a few white pills and then she would pass out on the couch for a several hours. Once she woke up she would pour herself a couple glasses of wine ‘strictly for medicinal purposes.’ As the years passed the glasses of wine would turn into shots of bourbon her mother’s new favorite medication. Allison would try everything possible to make her Mom smile, searching her face for the person that once lived behind the medicated eyes. She desperately wanted her mother's love and acceptance, but her attempts were often met with anger and contempt. Allison couldn’t remember the last time she had heard laughter in her home. She would try to recall with her mother the happy times they shared as a family playing at the park, the occasional trip to the beach and the outrageous snowball fights. Veronica would have nothing to do with any discussion that pertained to happiness or her father. Allison tried harder still but the same empty person that treated her with silence or a list of demands that she would never be able to meet was always present. Love and warmth had vanished and there came a point when Allison just wished her mom would just stay in her room. She would even bring her mother a bottle of bourbon when called upon to do so. The guilt of helping her mom in any way with this addiction tore away at Allison but a welcome relief came when she finally passed out. Her mother’s sadness made her a bitter woman and that bitter woman was raising a heartbroken and guilt ridden child.
Allison believed in God but had no real relationship with Him. She felt as though she had drifted so far away from God that even He couldn’t help her. In her mind it was as if she was now drowning in the same dark sea that had consumed her mother. The depression was unbearable. The struggle to keep her head above the water was great. There were a few days that she thought she could see the safety of the shoreline. Is this possible?, she thought. Could I actually be winning the fight against the Abyss? It seemed that as soon as the thoughts came, they left. Emptiness would seep in, and a deep loneliness would overcome her.
Allison started to think that there wasn't any reason for her to live and that her loved ones would be better off without her. Her mind and heart fought on these points often. Her life was like the waves of the ocean, calm and soothing at times and than tumultuous white caps would capsize her in a flash. Depression and condemnation were her constant companions, and they were also the weights pulling her under. Her mother's words wafted through the night air, coming at her from every direction convincing Allison that her life would never be worth living. She wasn’t even good enough to be loved by her own mother. How did she ever expect to be a good wife or mother?
Finally, Allison was too tired to fight. She walked quietly into her bathroom and gathered all the pill bottles from her cabinet. Following eerily in the footsteps of her mother she uncapped several brown bottles. In moments, thirty different pills filled the palm of her hand. She knew she had to act quickly if she was really going to do this. Her hand reached for the glass normally kept next to the bathroom sink, but it wasn’t there…
Allison remembered that she had taken it downstairs to be washed that morning. Allison put the pills down on the corner of her bathroom counter and headed for the steps. As she reached the top of the stairs, she heard her daughter cry out. Allison went into her room, picked up Sabrina and rocked her gently in her arms…soothing away the bad dream. Her daughter relaxed and whispered “I love you, Mommy. You always make me feel better.” Once the covers were nicely tucked under Sabrina’s chin, Allison kissed her daughter’s forehead and walked out. She headed straight to her bathroom slid the pills into her hand looking at them with disgust. These pills had taken her mother away from her and they almost took her life. The thought made her stomach turn. Allison flushed all the pills down the toilet. And a great realization came to the surface of her mind, she wanted to live, not just a mediocre, barely keeping your head above water life but a real life! New thoughts even started coming to mind. Sabrina had just told her that; she had made her feel better. Allison’s life was valuable. Allison stretched her thoughts a little further. What if she could get to a place in her own life where she could be an anchor for someone else who was just as lost at sea as she had been? She knew though she would never be able to do it on her own.
Allison fell to her knees and asked God to help her. She wanted to be the kind of mother that strengthens her child…not damages her. She wanted to believe that her life did matter and that she could help others. First, Allison had to stop believing lies and, instead, trust God. She went to bed that night with a great sense of peace. Tonight’s sleep was different than previous ones…the storm that threatened to overwhelm her had been calmed by God’s Spirit. Tomorrow would be a new day, and God would help her. With that truth in mind, she was confident she would make it to solid ground.
As light dawned the next morning, Allison poured over her Bible. The scriptures she had heard in church for so many years came alive and now began to mend her broken heart. She allowed the love of God to heal wounds that ran deep.
Through her study, Allison began to realize that she had to forgive her mother. The very idea made her tremble inside. But God, in His loving way, showed her that Allison was only hurting herself by harboring anger and unforgiveness in her heart. She sought God on this day after day, gaining the wisdom and strength she needed to even be able to see her mother again. It had been so many years of masked feelings and meaningless conversations between the two of them. Opening herself to forgive and love was a big step. Veronica held the ability to hurt her in her hands for so many years. Now Allison had to trust God that He would see her through.
The day came when Allison invited her mother over for tea and a talk. She was nervous, afraid really but she knew she would have to do it afraid because she wasn’t going to back out on what God was leading her to do. She silently prayed for strength as she opened her front door. She led her mother to the kitchen table and set out the tea. After some small talk, there was an awkward pause. Finally, Allison took a deep breath and began to speak words that had been bottled inside for so many years.
“Mom, you may have never realized the hurt that your words and actions caused me. You may have not seen the pain your rejection brought me but I need to tell you today that I am letting go of ALL my bitterness and resentment. I am choosing to accept God’s love for me. I didn’t have to earn it…His love is completely unconditional. It is out of the knowledge of His love that I am able to forgive you today. It is also out of that knowledge that I am asking you to forgive me for the anger and resentment I have held in my heart against you.” The words poured out of Allison and freedom came with each word spoken.
Allison reached across the wooden table and squeezed her mother’s hand. Veronica looked up at her daughter and listened to her daughter’s final words “Mom, I believe with all my heart that God can heal your broken heart and take away your addictions, giving you a new life.”
A single tear ran the length of her mother’s cheek but she never uttered a word as she collected her things and left. The conversation wasn’t brought up again but that didn’t matter to Allison. She was living in the full light of God’s love. There she found great peace and she prayed that one day her mother would also find that peace.
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