My name is Ajoke and this is my story.
“I can’t believe what my eyes are seeing!” my heart slammed within me and the rush of blood to my head almost left me faint. I was in the family study/office room where our Family desktop and printer was situated. Previously, I lay sleeping upstairs but woke up from my nap, decided to check my email on the computer and then do some household chores. This was before the advent of cell phones on which one could check one’s email upon.
The image on my screen was that of a semi-nude woman looking suggestively at the camera. The email subject line of the email left opened was “Wanna join me?” It was my husband’s email account. And there were series of replies (responses) back and forth between him and this woman.
Denial. That was the first emotion that I tried to grab and hold unto closely. It couldn’t be my husband’s email, maybe it was some kind of a mistake. I looked at the email address again and re-read the email message. Tears streamed down my face and angrily I wiped them off. Oh oh, ANGER gripped me next. How dare he do this to me? How dare he betray the trust that I had in him? That was the one thing during our courtship days that I harped about the most, how I desired for him to be faithful and trusthworthy of the love that we shared. Then this?!
I sat there and lost track of time. Sounds of the door opening and the kids’ voice drifted my way. Quickly, I sprung up and like a robot performed the motions that led to the cooking of dinner. As we ate dinner, there was tension in the air and I noticed the furtive glances my husband made. It was then that I realized that I had forgotten to close the browser window and he had seen the email when he went to the Office during the dinner prep time.
I took longer than required to clean up after dinner to avoid the confrontation that I knew was brewing. After wiping the table for the 51st time, I realized there was no avoiding the situation, I had to face it on.
I climbed up the steps, lots of questions, a myriad of voices running through my mind, and the pain clawing at my heart. I saw him lying down on the leather recliner in our loft area, his eyes glued to the t.v. and I lost it then.
“Who is Freaky Rose?” I hurled at him. Anger fueling me, here I was hurt and overwhelmed but he ignores it and buries himself in the idiot box. Then I heard the still same voice within me that I had steadily ignored all afternoon and evening after my discovery. That voice softly muttered, “Let him speak and let me do my work. You can’t force conviction out of him.” As if I were having a discussion with the voice, I shrugged and internally mumbled, “But I am hurt and want him to pay for hurting me.”
There was no response from my husband, he continued to gaze at the tv as if he believed that if he didn’t pay attention to my outburst it would go away. I went over to the t.v. and shut it off. Now, I thought, I definitely have his attention. I stood there watching him and he still didn’t look at me. His first words to me were, “Put that tv back on.” Oh no, he didn’t just say that.
“Who is Freaky rose, Mark?” I asked him again.
“Ajoke, turn the tv back on and stop yelling. The kids’ are playing in their rooms and can hear you.” If I was a furnace that needed to be stoked for more heat, he had just said the one thing that really got me hot. “How dare you talk about the children and me yelling? Mr ‘I’m Your man’ Ok, spill, I want to hear more about Freaky Rose, or to use your own words, I want to hear all about your delicious secret.” The look on Mark’s face was that of a person who had just eaten something vile and was about to be sick.
Of course, when a person has been attacked, they do one thing best, they go on the defensive. Mark began to attack me.
“Why were you reading my email?” I began to laugh so hard, the kind of laugh the evil villain on tv shows and movies laughs when he has something up his sleeve. I laughed so hard for a long spell that Mark looked at me strangely.
‘You left your email up, today was your day.” I finally muttered when the laughing bout had left me. I saw comprehension dawn on him and he looked faint.
What was he going to do next?
Mark got up and walked right past me. Quickly he descended the stairs and then I heard the front door open and then get slammed shut.
Confused as to what to do, I stood at the verge of the stairs, weighing my options when I heard his car start and him reverse the car out of the driveway.
Silence.
Alone with a thousand and one thoughts, I sat on the leather recliner and gave into despair. Then slowly, the Lord began to minister to my heart. First it was through scripture, and then I received His word to my heart. I had tried to do the work of the Holy Spirit, being human, I had failed and now I felt helpless. Mark had done wrong, he had betrayed our vows and our family, but it really was the work of God to convict our hearts when we sin.
I hung my head down and prayed with all of my heart, “Dear Father, please forgive me for trying to do Your work in the heart of Mark. Lord I am very hurt, I lay at the foot of the cross my pain and hurt. Please heal me and help Mark to see that I am hurt. Repair this fracture before it becomes a big break between us. Amen.” A simple prayer and it worked. At peace at last, I went into to put the kids to bed and fell asleep myself. It was a long night that could have been filled with worry and anxiety but I had laid my trust in God. Mark didn’t return home that night. I knew this because I always get up twice at night, I always drink a lot of water before going to bed and suffer the consequences every night.
Upon waking up both times, I was assailed with a sense of sadness and emptiness until I remembered how much comforting the good Lord had given me as I slept. So I surrendered myself back to His dear comforting arms and back to sleep again, I went.
That was how I got through that night.
The next morning, I steeled myself for the kids’ questions and whatever Mark might do or say. I got up to fix breakfast for the kids and to prepare for church. It was Sunday after all and to Church it was every Sunday. Of course, Mark’s absence would have to be explained away but a wife had to do what a wife had to do.
Prayer first. Afterwards, I began to make the children’s breakfast and get together their clothes for church. I heard the garage open as I began to dress the youngest of our children. Mark was back. Taking in deep breaths, I heard my son say,
“Mommy are you praying out loud?” I smiled. I had no idea that I had
been mumbling out my prayer out loud. “Yes Dear, I am.”
Mark came upstairs to the room where we were and he looked like a train wreck. Stifling my response, I distracted our son from viewing his father. I then shooed him out of the room and then sat down.
“Ajoke, I am a hot mess!” Mark started. He began to cry and proceeded to tell me the tale of one click gone awry.
It had begun when he had gone to look for an electronic item on Craigslist and saw a side ad for the personals on there. Just a click to look at them, he told himself as he assuaged his conscience. He began to peruse them and got drawn to the pictures and descriptions. At first he didn’t respond, all he did was look. Then he signed off the browser but that nite as the kids slept and after a really hard day, he went back to them.
Lured back in, he began to send responses to the ads and then set up his messenger chat to communicate with a couple of the women the following day.
On and on, he continued, reasoning to himself that he was just being friendly with the women and there were lonely women out there who needed male companionship. A week went by like that until the fateful day when one of them turned on her webcam and began to stream live video of herself talking to him. Innocent talk soon became lurid. Instantaneous intimacy was created and they began to discuss their sexual fantasies with each other. After that, they made assigned times to meet and talk online. He began to feel the guilt as he became more testy with me and the children but couldn’t shake off the attraction. Out of control, he finally prayed 4 days ago that the Lord help him as he was weak.
Here we were now. Stunned at his confession, I remained speechless until I felt the tugging of the Holy Spirit. It had been God who had orchestrated my discovery and God who was working on our marriage’s healing.
At this time of writing, Mark and I are going for counseling. There are a lot of issues we are still working on but I can say this, God is able to finish the work He began in our lives.
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