If the Truth Must Be told

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Truth, they say sometimes is stranger than fiction. My story may sound like fiction but it is the truth and unfortunately it is the truth that is bitter and hard to tell. How I wish it is a story that has a good end or one that hasn’t hurt anyone but me. It is that fact that is tearing me apart and has me wondering where to seek for absolution. I have read the bible (yes I am a child of God or used to be, am not sure anymore) and all I can get is condemnation. I have wronged God, but more hurting is the fact that i have wittingly put my wife in the situation that she is. I do not know how to confess my wrong to her because I don’t see how knowing what I did, she can ever forgive me!

The first time I set eyes on Peju, the only thought that registered in my mind when it resumed function was that God is missing an angel! She was stunningly beautiful but in an ethereal sort of way and you just wanted to protect her against anything evil. I felt compelled to be the one to do just that and that was what prompted my becoming close to her. That relating blossomed into a relationship and thereafter marriage which made me the envy of every person who came across us.

I harboured a secret so dark that the truth if it was known would have been very devastating to Peju, the church and my family.

During our courtship, I was the epitome of a perfect suitor and gentleman. Peju used to boast about me to her friends, how I never took advantage of her even in situations that melted the resolves of other Christians. Her friends told her I wasn’t real and to their credit even though they said it without knowing it to be true, it was so true! I harboured a secret so dark that the truth if it was known would have been very devastating to Peju, the church and my family.


The truth was that I wasn’t the only one in church with such secret but then how many pastors really know their congregation. Most churches pride themselves on being mega, while living in the delusion that the mega congregation are living right. Oh, maybe it isn’t their fault but I cant help but think that in the bid to outdo one another in church growth and expansion, the sheep are lost even in the presence of the shepherd.

You see I was bisexual and I am sure by now you have concluded already that I could not have been a Christian. However I was a faithful one to the boot, loving Christ who had been introduced to me in my earl days in the university. Maybe if I gave a little background to how I got here, you will understand better. I attended a military school that was extremely strict and competitive. Leaving home at the tender age of 10 to such an environment was a nightmare for me. Although other kids coped, I could not, I longed for the warmth and comfort of my home and my mother who had always showed me great love. It was in the bid to save me from her mollycoddling (as my dad termed it) that made him send me here.

The loneliness made me and easy target for senior boys who where homosexuals and before long I was caught in a web that I could not find any escape. It took entering university and meeting young confident men who had no girlfriends, and yet were not homosexuals to get me questioning my life style. It wasn’t long that Christ found me and I became a son of God. The mistake I made was never telling anyone about my past and trying to deal with my problem alone. Afterall, in 1Cor 5v17, The Bible says “therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new (KJV). My past was gone and so was my problem. I also read that homosexuals will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor 6 v9, AMP) and I was determined to do so, so I struggled against my urges and throughout my stay in the university, I was successful.

However, I believe that God who fights for the innocent will heal her. Me, I am too ashamed to ask God to heal me after, disappointing Him too many times.

To the glory of God I stayed that way and later found women attractive to me and that they say is a good sign. So considering all this you will be wondering when did I go back and why? The ironical truth is that it was while serving God in the church and by “Christians” that I got lured back!

My marriage to Peju was as perfect as it could be but for one aspect, Peju wasn’t much into sex. She had lived a very sheltered life and sex was ok but not something she craved. I on the other hand, being celibate for a long while and fighting to stay off the path of homosexuality, needed sex with her to be constant and great. Unfortunately, she felt I was too immersed in sex and I could not tell her why it was so important to me. It was worse when she became pregnant and that was the first time I strayed and my partner was a high ranking member of my church.

I could absolve myself by saying I was beguiled into going back by the guy, but the truth is that I beguiled myself. I felt sleeping with a woman constituted committing adultery so maybe with man I was not guilty. However, the Spirit of God will not let me be and following nights of sleeplessness and torment, I gave up that association. That should have shown me my vulnerability, but like all men I felt I had handled it, God had forgiven me so all was well. Unfortunately, though that was the time I should have sought counsel and confessed to my wife and with her help dealt with the issue but I did not. I hedged and allowed this cancer to fester and now it is about to destroy all that I care about in this world besides destroying my soul.

I wish I could say that was the last time I fell but then am sure you know it wasn’t. Sin, the bible says grows until it yields its wages of death (James 1v15) and mine has yielded its fruit. I may be living but am marking time. The weight of my guilt is hastening my steps to the grave unfortunately; I may not go alone as I have infected my innocent wife with the HIV virus. However, I believe that God who fights for the innocent will heal her. Me, I am too ashamed to ask God to heal me after, disappointing Him too many times.

 

Some may ask why I would have unprotected sex with my wife when I knew I was positive? My callousness has not reached that extent yet. I did not discover that I was positive until my wife went for the ante natal class for our last child. During the routine test usually performed she was told she was HIV positive. The shock was too much for her and while trying to trace the origin it was concluded that she must have contracted it from a blood transfusion she had after the birth of our second child via a C- section. It never occurred to her that I was the one that gave it to her because during our marriage counseling we had done the HIV TEST and the results were negative.

However, something kept telling me I was the culprit and that prompted my testing and to my greatest shock, I was positive! I died that day, because I could not believe that my carelessness had brought this to my wife. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I was also positive because in her naivety she will believe she infected me. Someone tell me now, what do I do? My past has caught up with me, despite the second chance God gave me by forgiving my past, I still messed up. How do I tell her my sordid history both of the past and in our marriage? Will she ever forgive me? And even if she does how do I live with the knowledge that I failed to protect her? My children are negative, thank GOD, but why have I bequeathed them with the possibility of losing their parents earlier than they should? God they say forgives any sin confessed, but how do I go about confessing this evil to Him?


AUTHOR’S remark: this is a true story but the identities and most aspects of the story have been altered to protect those involved. However the essence of the story is to highlight the rising trend of homosexuality amongst Christians and the mistakes these Christians make in handling it.